第1966期:Talking to solve friendship problems

Sometimes our friends' behaviour can offend us; sometimes we can see changes they need to make – but how do we tell them? Are there any ways to make difficult conversations easier?

有时朋友的行为会冒犯我们； 有时我们可以看到他们需要做出的改变——但我们如何告诉他们呢？ 有什么方法可以让困难的对话变得更容易吗？

It's important to have solid evidence that there is indeed a problem. Evidence that can be agreed upon makes it easier for other people to recognise issues. Once you have proof, it's important to highlight how it impacts us and others. Psychologist Andrea Bonior suggests framing problems with 'I'. Saying 'I feel hurt that you spend less time with me' is less accusatory than 'You never spend time with me!' and is focused more clearly on the impact.

拥有确凿的证据证明确实存在问题非常重要。 可以达成一致的证据可以让其他人更容易认识到问题。 一旦你有了证据，重要的是要强调它如何影响我们和其他人。 心理学家安德里亚·博尼奥尔（Andrea Bonior）建议用“我”来界定问题。 说“你花更少的时间陪我，我感到很受伤”，比说“你从来不花时间陪我！”更不那么具有指责性。 并更明确地关注其影响。

Staying calm is vital. Becoming tense might lead you to react badly and cause an argument. Bonior recommends that you should acknowledge the conversation could make you anxious. If you think about this yourself, it can help you focus on positive results. If you admit your anxiety to your friend, you will show a more human side. Another psychologist, Laura Brennan, points out how it's important that we let go of our ego and don't focus on the need to be proved right. This can help reduce tension. 

保持冷静至关重要。 变得紧张可能会导致你做出不良反应并引发争吵。 博尼奥尔建议您应该承认谈话可能会让您感到焦虑。 如果您自己思考这一点，它可以帮助您专注于积极的结果。 如果你向朋友承认你的焦虑，你就会表现出更人性化的一面。 另一位心理学家劳拉·布伦南 (Laura Brennan) 指出，我们必须放弃自我，不要只关注被证明是正确的需求。 这有助于减轻紧张情绪。

We can lower the potential for conflict by listening to the other person and asking questions. Many experts recommend planning your words, so that you can say things in a way that avoids conflict. However, Bonior cautions against overplanning as this can stop you being flexible enough to genuinely follow and participate in the discussion. 

我们可以通过倾听对方的意见并提出问题来降低发生冲突的可能性。 许多专家建议计划好你的措辞，这样你就可以用避免冲突的方式说话。 然而，博尼奥尔警告不要过度计划，因为这可能会阻止你足够灵活地真正关注和参与讨论。

Be realistic. Complicated problems are unlikely to be solved with one conversation. Consider what is possible in one discussion, and that it may be harder than you initially thought. This will help you to set realistic goals for what you can achieve.

现实点。 复杂的问题不可能通过一次谈话就得到解决。 考虑一下在一次讨论中可能发生什么，并且它可能比您最初想象的要困难。 这将帮助您为您可以实现的目标设定现实的目标。

词汇表

behaviour 行为
offend 得罪，惹恼
problem （须解决的）问题
issue 问题
impact 对…产生影响
frame 表达，说出
accusatory 指责的，谴责的
calm 沉着冷静的
react 对…作出反应
argument 争吵，争论
anxious 焦虑的，不安的
anxiety 焦虑，不安
ego 自我
conflict 冲突，争执
overplanning 计划过度
discussion 讨论，交谈