如何宽以待人︱How to Forgive

 It can be so hard to forgive, because so often we simply are in the right. And the scale of the folly, thoughtlessness, and meanness of others seems utterly beyond our own measure.

宽恕别人绝非易事，因为往往是我们自己占理。有些人太过愚钝，有些人轻率，有些人刻意，真的让我们无法忍受。

But there are two inviolable ideas, which should nevertheless, in the face of the grossest behaviors, be kept in mind to increase our chances of being able to forgive.

不过，面对种种恼人行径，倘若将以下两点熟稔于心，我们定更懂得宽恕别人。

Firstly, we must remember how the other person got there to this place of idiocy and cruelty.

第一，要牢记别人缘何这般愚钝、无情。

Every irritating fault in another person has a long history behind it. They've become like this because of flaws in their development, which they did not choose for themselves.

别人身上那些令你恼怒的错误都大有来头。成长过程中的缺陷导致他们如此，可能他们自己也并不愿意。

They were shaped by troubles, troubles which we cannot see, but which we know must exist. The arrogant person was trapped at some key point in their personal evolution in an environment where being modest and reasonable seemed to guarantee they'd be trampled on.

各种困扰塑其人格，我们看不到但却要意识到确有其事。比如，那些自傲的人，可能在成长的某个关键阶段，处于一个保持谦虚和理智就会遭别人排挤的环境里；

The hypocritical individual has lived too much as their personality was growing, around people who couldn't take a gentle hint. So, they came to rely on blunt assertions.

那些伪善的人，可能在成长过程中，周遭的人都听不懂善意的暗示，干脆口无遮拦，说话直截了当；

The frustratingly timid, mousy person was at some stage terrified.

胆小怯弱的人可能在某个年纪受过惊吓；

The show-off learned their irritating manner around people who were hard to please.

高调的人可能难以亲近身边的人，反倒是学到了那些惹人生厌的行为举止。

Behind every failing, behind everything that's wrong and infuriating about those we meet is a decisive trauma encountered before someone could cope with it properly.

种种问题，种种我们眼中不可理喻的行为背后，是决定对方性格且其久久无法抚平的创伤。

They are maddening, but they got to be this way without meaning to.

哪怕他们让我们心生不快，也绝非蓄意为之。

To forgive is to understand the origins of evil and cruelty.

宽恕别人，实质上是回溯导致对方恶意无情的根源。

Secondly, and very strangely, there are difficult things about you, too. Of course, not in this area, not in any area remotely connected to the sort of lapses that tend to destroy your faith in humanity.

第二，听起来不合理，其实你自己也有惹别人不快的一面。当然，这一面不会是这些别人身上让你觉得不可理喻、三观崩塌的方面。

But in some areas, quiet areas that you forget about, as soon as you've traveled through them, you too are a deeply imperfect and questionable individual.

但是你确实有那一面。平日里毫不起眼，而一旦你给大家展现这一面，你也是个不尽完美，饱受质疑的人。

Gently, you have in your own way betrayed. Nicely, you have been a coward. Modestly, you have forgotten your privileges. Unthinkingly, you have added salt to the wounds of others. We don't need to know anything about you to know this as a certainty.

做派温和点，觉得辜负了自己；善解人意一点，别人说你太怯弱；做低调点，又想着自己还有特权；未三思后行，别人又说你往他伤口上撒盐。对你，我们甚至不必了解分毫，就知道以上全都是事实。

We must forgive because not right now, not over this, but one day over something, we will need to be forgiven. We would in the past regularly have looked upwards to the heavens for this forgiveness. We do that less and less nowadays.

我们必须宽恕他人，不是针对此时此刻，而是未来的某时某刻，我们也有需要别人宽恕自己的时候。过去，人们常常潜心祈求上苍宽恕，现代人大都不这么做了。

But that doesn't attenuate the need for some moments when we limber up to utter that most implausible word: sorry, or indeed, stretch our ethical imagination in order to pronounce those even more arduous and unnatural sounding words: I forgive you.

但也不代表，我们不需要在某个时刻，一字一顿地讲出那难合情理的两个字：“抱歉”；或者让我们舒展道德的双翼，说出那句更加难以启齿，无比拗口的话：“我原谅、宽恕你。”