挪威之恋 英文名著｜第10章（4）

“How can you be such an idiot? Of course I wanted to see you! I told you how much I like you! When I like somebody I really like them. It doesn’t turn on and off for me just like that. Don’t you realize at least that much about me?”

“Well, sure, but—”

“That’s why I was so mad at you! I wanted to give you a good kick in the pants. I mean, we hadn’t seen each other that whole time, and you were so spaced out thinking about this other girl you didn’t even look at me! How could I not get mad at you? But aside from all that, I had been feeling for a long time that it would be better for me if I kept away from you for a while. To get things clear in my head.”

“What kinds of things?”

“Our relationship, of course. It was getting to the point where I enjoyed being with you way better than being with him. I mean, don’t you think there’s something weird about that? And difficult? Of course I still like him. He’s a little self-centered and narrow-minded and kind of a fascist, but he’s got a lot of good points, and he’s the first guy I ever got serious about. But you, well, you’re special to me. When I’m with you I feel something is just right. I believe in you. I like you. I don’t want to let you go. I was getting more and more confused, so I went to him and asked him what I should do. He told me to stop seeing you. He said if I was going to see you, I should break up with him.”

“So what did you do?”

“I broke up with him. Just like that.” Midori put a Marlboro in her mouth, shielded it with her hand as she lit up, and inhaled.

“Why?”

“‘Why?’!” she screamed. “Are you crazy? You know the English subjunctive, you understand trigonometry, you can read Marx, and you don’t know the answer to something as simple as that? Why do you even have to ask? Why do you have to make a girl say something like this? I like you more than I like him, that’s all. I wish I had fallen in love with somebody a little more handsome, of course. But I didn’t. I fell in love with you!”

I tried to speak, but I felt the words catching in my throat.

Midori threw her cigarette into a puddle. “Will you please get that look off your face? You’re gonna make me cry. Don’t worry, I know you’re in love with somebody else. I’m not expecting anything from you. But the least you can do is give me a hug. These have been two tough months for me.”

I put my umbrella up, and we went behind the games area and held each other close. Our bodies strained against each other, and our lips met. The smell of the rain clung to her hair and her jeans jacket. girls’ bodies were so soft and warm! I could feel her breasts pressing against my chest through our clothing. How long had it been since my last physical contact with another human being?

“The day I last saw you, that night I talked to him, and we broke up,” Midori said.

“I love you,” I said to her. “From the bottom of my heart. I don’t ever want to let you go again. But there’s nothing I can do. I can’t make a move.”

“Because of her?”

I nodded.

“Tell me, have you slept with her?”

“Once. A year ago.”

“And you haven’t seen her since then?”

“I have seen her: twice. But we didn’t do anything.”

“Why not? Doesn’t she love you?”

“That’s hard to say,” I said. “It’s really complicated. And mixed up. And it’s been going on for such a long time, I don’t know what’s what anymore. And neither does she. All I know is, I have a kind of responsibility in all this as a human being, and I can’t just turn my back on it. At least, that’s how I feel about it now. Even if she isn’t in love with me.”

“Let me just tell you this, Watanabe,” said Midori, pressing her cheek against my neck. “I’m a real, live girl, with real, live blood gushing through my veins. You’re holding me in your arms and I’m telling you that I love you. I’m ready to do anything you tell me to do. I may be a little crazy, but I’m a good kid, and honest, and I work hard, I’m kinda cute, I’ve got nice boobs, I’m a good cook, and my father left me a trust fund. I mean, I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’m gonna end up going somewhere else.”

“I need time,” I said. “I need time to think and sort things out, and make some decisions. I’m sorry, but that’s all I can say at this point.”

“Yeah, but you do love me from the bottom of your heart, right? And you never want to let me go again, right?”

“I said it and I meant it.”

Midori pulled away from me with a smile on her face. “O.K., I’ll wait! I believe in you,” she said. “But when you take me, you take only me. And when you hold me in your arms, you think only about me. Is that clear?”

“I know exactly what you mean.”

“I don’t care what you do to me, but I don’t want you to hurt me. I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy.”

I drew her close and kissed her on the mouth.

“Drop the damn umbrella and wrap both your arms around me—hard!” she said.

“But we’ll get soaking wet!”

“So what? I want you to stop thinking and hold me tight! I’ve been waiting two whole months for this!”

I set the umbrella down and held her close in the rain. The dull rush of tires on the highway enveloped us like a fog. The rain fell without a break, without a sound, soaking her hair and mine, running like tears down our cheeks, down to her jeans jacket and my yellow nylon windbreaker, spreading in dark stains.

“What do you say we go back under the roof?” I said.

“Come to my place. There’s nobody home now. We’ll both catch colds like this.”

“It’s true.”

“It’s kinda like we just swam across a river,” Midori said, smiling. “What a great feeling!”

We bought a good-size towel in the linen department and took turns going into the bathroom to dry our hair. Then we rode the subway, with the necessary transfers, to her apartment in Myogadani. She let me shower first and then she showered. Lending me a bathrobe to wear while my clothes dried, Midori changed into a polo shirt and skirt. We sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee.

“Tell me about yourself,” Midori said.

“What about me?”

“Hmm, I don’t know, what do you hate?”

“Chicken and VD and barbers who talk too much.”

“What else?”

“Lonely April nights and lacy telephone covers.”

“What else?”

I shook my head. “I can’t think of anything else.”

“My boyfriend—which is to say, my ex-boyfriend—had all kinds of things he hated. Like when I wore too-short skirts, or when I smoked, or how I got drunk right away, or said disgusting things, or criticized his friends. So if there’s anything about me you don’t like, just tell me, and I’ll fix it if I can.”

“I can’t think of anything,” I said after giving it some thought. “There’s nothing.”

“Really?”

“I like everything you wear, and I like what you do and say and how you walk and how you get drunk. Everything.”

“You mean I’m really O.K. just the way I am?”

“I don’t know how you could change, so you must be fine the way you are.”

“How much do you love me?” Midori asked.

“Enough to melt all the tigers in the world to butter,” I said.

“Mmm,” she said with a hint of satisfaction. “Will you hold me again?”

We got into her bed and held each other, kissing as the sound of the rain filled our ears. Then we talked about everything from the formation of the universe to our preferences in the hardness of boiled eggs.

“I wonder what ants do on rainy days?” Midori asked.

“No idea,” I said. “They’re hard workers, so they probably spend the day cleaning house or taking inventory.”

“If they work so hard, how come they don’t evolve? They’ve been the same forever.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe their body structure isn’t suited to evolving—compared with monkeys, say.”

“Hey, Watanabe, there’s a lot of stuff you don’t know. I thought you knew everything.”

“It’s a big world out there,” I said.

“High mountains, deep oceans,” Midori said. She put her hand inside my bathrobe and took hold of my erection. Then, with a gulp, she said, “Hey, Watanabe, all kidding aside, this is not gonna work. I could never get this big, hard thing inside me. No way.”

“You’re kidding,” I said with a sigh.

“Yup,” she said, giggling. “Don’t worry. It’ll be just fine. I’m sure it’ll fit. Uh, mind if I have a look?”

“Feel free.”

Midori burrowed under the covers and groped me all over down there, stretching the skin of my penis, weighing my testicles in her palm. Then she poked her head out and released her breath. “I love it!” she said. “No flattery intended! I really love it!”

“Thank you,” I said with simple gratitude.

“But really, Watanabe, you don’t want to do it with me, do you—until you get all that business straightened out?”

“There’s no way I don’t want to do it with you,” I said. “I’m going crazy, I want to do it so bad. But it just wouldn’t be right.”

“You’re so damned stubborn! If I were you, I’d just do it—and think about it afterward.”

“You would?”

“Just kidding,” Midori said in a tiny voice. “I probably wouldn’t do it, either, if I were you. And that’s what I love about you. That’s what I really really love about you.”

“How much do you love me?” I asked, but she didn’t answer. Instead, she pressed against me, put her lips on my nipple and began to move the hand she had wrapped around my penis. The first thing that occurred to me was how different this was from the way Naoko moved her hand. Both were gentle and wonderful, but something was different about the way they did it, and so it felt like a totally different experience.

“Hey, Watanabe, I bet you’re thinking about that other girl.”

“Not true,” I lied.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Because I would really hate that.”

“I can’t think about anybody else,” I said.

“Want to touch my breasts, or down there?” Midori asked.

“Oh, boy, I’d love to, but I’d better not. If we do all those things at once, it’ll be too much for me.”

Midori nodded and rustled around under the covers, pulling her panties off and holding them against the tip of my penis.

“You can come into this,” she said.

“But it’ll make a mess of them.”

“Stop it, will you? You’re gonna make me cry,” Midori said as if on the verge of tears. “All I have to do is wash them. So don’t hold back, just let yourself come all you want. If you’re worried about my panties, buy me a new pair. Or are they going to keep you from coming because they’re mine?”

“No way,” I said.

“Go right ahead, then, let go.”

When I was through, Midori inspected my semen. “Wow, that’s a huge amount!”

“Too much?”

“Nah, that’s O.K., silly. Come all you want,” she said with a smile. Then she kissed me.

In the evening, Midori did some shopping in the neighborhood and made dinner. We ate tempura and rice with green peas at the kitchen table, and washed it all down with beer.

“Eat a lot and make lots of semen,” Midori said. “Then I’ll be nice and help you get rid of it.”

“Thanks very much,” I said.

“I know all kinds of ways to do it. I learned from the women’s magazines when we had the bookstore. Once they had this special edition all about how to take care of your husband so he won’t cheat on you while you’re pregnant and can’t have sex. There’s tons of ways. Wanna try ’em?”

“I can hardly wait,” I said.

After saying good-bye to Midori, I bought a newspaper at the station, but when I opened it on the train, I realized I had absolutely no desire to read a paper and in fact couldn’t understand what it said. All I could do was glare at the incomprehensible page of print and wonder what was going to happen to me from now on, and how the things around me would be changing. I felt as if the world was pulsating every now and then. I released a deep sigh and closed my eyes. With regard to what I had done that day, I felt not the slightest regret; I knew for certain that if I had it to do all over again, I would live this day in exactly the same way again. I would hold Midori tight on the roof in the rain; I would get soaking wet with her; and I would let her fingers bring me to climax in her bed. I had no doubts about those things. I loved Midori, and I was happy that she had come back to me. The two of us could make it, that was certain. As Midori herself had said, she was a real, live girl with blood in her veins, and she was putting her warm body in my arms. It had been all I could do to suppress the intense desire I had to strip her naked, throw open her body, and sink myself in her warmth. There was no way I could have made myself stop her once she was holding my penis and moving her hand. I wanted her to do it, she wanted to do it, and we were in love. Who could have stopped such a thing? It was true: I loved Midori. And I had probably known as much for a while. I had just been avoiding the conclusion for a very long time.

The problem was that I could never explain these developments to Naoko. It would have been hard enough at any point, but with Naoko in her present condition, there was no way I could tell her I had fallen in love with another girl. And besides, I still loved Naoko. Bent and twisted as that love might be, I did love her. Somewhere inside me, there was still preserved a broad, open space, untouched, for Naoko and no one else.

One thing I could do was to write a letter to Reiko that confessed everything with total honesty. At home, I sat on the veranda, watching the rain pour down on the garden at night and assembling phrases in my head. Then I went to my desk and wrote the letter. “It is almost unbearable to me that I now have to write a letter like this to you,” I began. I summarized my relationship with Midori and explained what had happened that day.

I have always loved Naoko, and I still love her. But there is a decisive finality to what exists between Midori and me. It has an irresistible power that is bound to sweep me into the future. What I feel for Naoko is a tremendously quiet and gentle and transparent love, but what I feel for Midori is a wholly different emotion. It stands and walks on its own, living and breathing and throbbing and shaking me to the roots of my being. I don’t know what to do. I’m confused. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, but I do believe that I have lived as sincerely as I knew how. I have never lied to anyone, and I have taken care over the years not to hurt other people. And yet I find myself having been tossed into this labyrinth. How can this be? I can’t explain it. I don’t know what I should do. Can you tell me, Reiko? You’re the only one I can turn to for advice.

I mailed the letter that night with special-delivery postage attached.

REIKO’S ANSWER CAME five days later, dated June 17.

Let me start with the good news. Naoko has been improving far more rapidly than anyone could have expected. I talked to her once on the phone, and she spoke with real lucidity. She may even be able to come back here before too long.

Now, about you.

I think you take everything too seriously. Loving another person is a wonderful thing, and if that love is sincere, no one ends up tossed into a labyrinth. You have to have more faith in yourself.

My advice to you is very simple. First of all, if you are drawn so strongly to this person Midori, it is only natural for you to have fallen in love with her. It might go well, or it might not. But love is like that. When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. That’s what I think. It’s just one form of sincerity.

Second, as to whether or not you should have sex with Midori, that is for you to figure out. I can’t say a thing. Talk it over with Midori and reach your own conclusion, one that makes sense to you.