Don't get mad when somebody cuts in line — get curious别人为什么插队？不要愤怒

The other day, a friend of mine, a teacher at a university in Beijing, described an encounter he had with a young Chinese man at a fast-food restaurant. His story captures a basic diplomatic problem—understanding others' motives.

有一天，在北京一所大学任教的朋友讲述了他在快餐店偶遇一位年轻中国人的经历。他的故事反映了一个基本的交际问题――理解别人的动机。

He was standing in line with the menu card in hand, preparing to place his order, when suddenly, out of nowhere, this other fellow grabbed the card and stepped to the counter ahead of him. My friend was annoyed. But realizing that all-out war could take years and cost millions of lives, he chose a more modest military response: He snatched the menu back and shouldered the young man out of the way.

当时，他正拿着菜单排队准备点餐，不知从哪忽然冒出来一个家伙夺过他手中的菜单并走向点餐台，这让我的朋友很愤怒。然而，我朋友意识到，要和这个人理论会花费很长时间，同时也会影响后面排队的人用餐，他选择了一种较为温和的“军事”回应：他夺回菜单，推开了那个年轻人。

So there, dude!

确实如此，伙计！

Later he wondered if Chinese people had some sort of genetic memory of starvation that drives them ravenously toward food, like bears coming out of hibernation—a phenomenon that repeats every day exactly at noon.

之后，他好奇中国人是否有某种饥饿的基因记忆,，这种记忆让他们犹如冬眠过后的熊极度渴望食物，而这种现象每天中午都会重复出现。

For me, instead of getting mad about line-cutters, I get curious. What does it mean, after all, to be "standing in line"? Is there one clear standard for all mankind, or is "standing in line" merely a social or cultural construct? If it's the latter, then line-cutting requires a different response entirely.

对于我来说，我并不会因为插队者而生气，而是好奇他们这样做的原因。排队究竟意味着什么？它是所有人都明确的一个标准，还是仅仅是一种社会或文化建构？如果是后者，插队就是一种截然不同的回应。

The years I've spent in China have taught me some valuable lessons in personal diplomacy. First, always assume positive intent: Most people are peaceful and good at heart. Second, be slow to anger: When the dust settles, things are never as bad as you thought. Don't take yourself too seriously. And remember to smile. Third, kindness and courtesy are always in order: Observe and ask questions. This is also known as the shut up and listen principle.

在中国的这些年让我获得了珍贵的个人交际经验。首先，始终保持积极的心态：大部分人很友好，心地善良。其次，不轻易发怒：尘埃落定时，事情没有你想的那么糟。不要太把自己当回事，记得微笑。第三，善良和礼貌总是有先后：善于观察和咨询别人，这也叫少说多听原则。

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply," my former neighbor in the United States, Stephen R. Covey, wrote in his best-selling book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. "If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

我在美国时的前邻居史蒂芬· 柯维(Stephen R. Covey)在其畅销书《高效能人士的7个习惯》(the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)中写道，“大部分人倾听并不是为了理解，而是为了回复。如果让我用一句话概括我在人际关系领域学到的最重要的一条原则，那就是: 先理解别人，后被别人理解。”

With that in mind, I suggested to my friend, the teacher, that his Chinese line-cutter deserved a second chance. Maybe he wasn't being rude but simply didn't recognize—based on his own cultural assumptions—that this Westerner was standing in line.

考虑到这条原则，，我建议我的这位老师朋友给那位中国插队者一次机会。或许他并不是粗鲁，基于他本身的文化假设，可能仅仅是没有意识到这位西方友人在排队。

To test the hypothesis, my friend asked a student in his class to stand and face the blackboard. Another was asked to stand 2.5 meters behind him. Then he told the class to imagine that the two were waiting to buy a train ticket. Is the second student in line? The students all shook their heads—NO!

为了验证这个假设，我朋友要求他课上的一位学生站起来并面向黑板，另一位站在该学生后方2.5米处。然后，他让所有同学想象这两位学生在等待买火车票。第二位学生是在排队吗？学生们都摇头表示不是。

"I then made a statement that got quite a reaction," he told me. "In China, the second student is not in line, but in America he might be. I heard gasps and lots of 'wows' in Chinese."

他告诉我说，“然后，我做了一个陈述，引起了很大反响。在中国，第二位学生并不是在排队，但在美国他可能是。我听到了许多人的喘气声和哇的惊讶声。”

Then he stepped swiftly into the gap and moved up behind the first student, pressing his body against the fellow's back. "I think this is what you might see in China," he said. "Am I right?" The students laughed and nodded their acknowledgment.

然后，他迅速走到了空隙，并走到第一个学生的身后，经过时他的身体碰到了该学生的后背。他说道，“我认为这是你在中国可能看到的，我说的对吗?”学生们笑了，点头表示感谢。

It's natural, of course, to take one's own cultural orientation as the default, but this tendency should be resisted. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. That's sound diplomatic advice for all people of goodwill on our little planet who value peace over conflict.

当然，默认自己民族的文化取向是很自然的事，但这应该被抵制。对于这个小星球上所有重视和平，反对冲突的人来说，先理解别人，再被别人理解是一种明智的交际建议。