13（英）What to do when your child plays with his or her cell phone all day

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Hello Ximalayas subscribers, this is Mary Nelsen.And today we are going to be talking about what to do when your childplays with his or her cell phone all day. I know that this is a really popularchallenge all over the world. I've seen it in Egypt, in China, in Europeand from the United States. And I can say that screen time use and what is now being calledaddiction is an epidemic all over the world. So this is definitely a challengethat many can relate to. And thankfully, we have lots of tools that will helpcreate a healthy relationship with the phone and your child.

So today, I’d like tostart with the first tool that is really important and can be used with so manyof the challenges that we face with our children and that is Modelling -- checkingin with yourself and understanding how much screen time use, you are modellingin front of your children, and we all know that we shouldn't. I know I shouldnot be on my cell phone in front of my children all the time, because I knowthat when my husband is on his, I feel this disconnect. So it'salmost like the phone puts up this invisible wall: because when someone'sstaring at a screen, they're definitely not staring at you, and it's reallyhard to multitask for whatever it is that you're paying attention to on thescreen and if someone's trying to talk to you, I think mothers are a little bitbetter at this, but it’s really a challenge and difficult task.

So it's really challenging when our children are on their screens andwe're trying to talk to them and we feel disconnect, we feel ignored andunappreciated and probably a lot more feelings that come up for us and they triggersfor our reactions to recognizing that they're using their phones too much. But before we caneven begin to help our children with the challenge of being on their screenstoo much, we have to check in as parents and really understand how much modellingwe are doing with our screens. I know as parents we have really good reasons tobe on our phone, like email and schedule, research, update, shopping,messaging, mapping, planning and sometimes even a call every now and then. AndI can't even imagine my life, unfortunately, without my phone, because itreally is such a great tool for all the things that I just mentioned. And Iknow that with children, especially teenagers, the phone is also a veryimportant tool in their life, because it can help them to access the connectionwith their friends, their homework, assignments and their sports schedules, andof course maybe some social media, or watching videos or whatever it is thathelps them to stay current and connected in their social world.

We know as adults wewant to stay connected to: I have seen it first-hand in the workshops that Ifacilitate in China that many of my participants can'tput their phones away throughout the training: they're WeChat and scrolling. Itfeels disrespectful as a facilitator and the participants that are sharing -- Iknow it's not personal, it’s just because the phone is almost like callingthem, there's this urge to to check in and to stay current or updated. Itreally creates adults to lose focus in connection, so imagine your children arestruggling with the same issues: they're distracted, they're not focused, they'renot being creative, or moving as far asmovement goes or contributing around the house, or just having down time andbeing bored and and letting their thoughts come to them. I know that manyparents are introducing children to phones at earlier ages, before they're even 6 years old, and itstarts with what I’ve seen a lot at the dinner table, phone is used as a tool for the parent to keep the child either engaged inwhatever it is they're watching while they eat more.

There is a challengethat someone shared recently in China. If their child wouldn't eat unless they are watching a show, so the iPad became part of the association of eating, and the child literally washaving withdraws, was having a major meltdown when the parent had felt fed upor wanted to take it away, the child didn't know how to cope, they didn't evenknow what not having a meal at the table was like. I know that in the name of love,parents do what works, and they think their child might starve if they're notwatching a screen, and it's definitely more difficult to take it away. You haveto think about the long term results of pacifying your child with a screen, andit could be not only your dinner table, but it could also be in a restaurant. Isee this all over: Parents want to have an uninterrupted conversation, so theygive their child the phone or the iPad to keep them quiet, they use it as ababysitter. It's not respectful to the child, to you and to the situation, anddefinitely not into developing skills that they need to communicate, be boredand patient, creative, and lots of things that we're depriving them of when wepacify them with a phone.

In the US, I think 12 is usually when children/pre-teens will get their first phone. What happens I think often is parents arenot sitting down with her child before they give him this phone and talkingabout agreements and expectations and really setting up guidelines for the cellphone use and what it will be used for, when it will be used, and for how long.It’s not our job as parents to come up with this - that would be more of like aformal contract; Or the child didn't get to participate and have any say - thatdefinitely will not invite cooperation. You want them to be involved, when theyhave that involvement, they have the ownership of it so they feel respected andheard, it would be practicing kind and firm because they may want it more thenis allowed in the home. You have to come up with an agreement, a compromise, awin win situation. Win win is a tool: a win for the child and a win for theparent. If it's too much use, that would be a win for the child, a lose for theparent; If the parent gets fed up, uses it as a punishment and takes it away,then that would be a lose for the child, a win for the parent; However theparents probably feel guilty and will give the phone back out of guilt eventuallyif you're like lots of parents that I meet and talk to. But it's an opportunity to find that win win situation with your child - anagreement that you both are happy with and satisfied with.

Another importanttool is to brainstorm what would be appropriate for them as far as down times.Games? Watching Youtube  videos, and what would be respectful to their environment, learning, growing and developingwith balance. Also as a parent, check in and see how often are you playinggames or watching videos or doing something mindless, a great distraction awayto go to another place. And what is a healthy balance? What's a healthy time?And would you be willing to also agree to that amount of time? Because it is modelling: your children are seeing what you do, and they're gonna do whatyou do. If they see that you're more engaged with them, more engaged inproductive with learning, reading, contributing around the house, then they'regonna follow that model and do the same. It’salso really important to mention that when I say “addiction”, there are findingand researches that's now describing the Dopamine effect, the neurotransmitterthat sends the pulses to the brain that rewards and triggers pleasure incenters with every new text or tweet and all those little alerts that you get, Itinstantly fires up that dopamine, you get that response, and it's a momentary pleasure. It can also be compared to different cravings such as nicotine, gambling,drug addiction. The research is proving that dopamine surges, and is nothealthy for you or your child.

And imagine the lasttime that you had to go even several hours without your phone. There was probablya little bit of withdrawal. It makes you restless and nervous and anxious, constantly you'rereaching for it almost out of a habit. So when your child is given this reallyaddictive device, it's important to talk to them about having those limitedtimes and having the limited opportunity to just escape to mindless viewing orplaying and how can it can hurt them long term and that you're gonna recognizeit within yourself. And you're gonna practice what you preach, do the same, find balance, findbalances for you. That feels good for you. It doesn't have to be the sameamount of time as your child, but the fact that you're willing to recognize andmaybe start to wean yourself. Just noticing control your cell phone use.

It's also importantto know that your children, when they're in their teenage years, this is thebiggest form of connection for them, this is how they're connecting with theirpeers. And I found in the United States that teenagers are better at communicating via text message than anactual phone call. So again, it's hard for us as parents to relate because wedidn't have these same circumstances. So it's hard to get into their world. Andthe best thing you can do for your child is to really listen to them when theysay, “well, I think that I should have an hour of communication time with myfriends.” For us that seems maybe like a lot or maybe the last for two hours.And you have to think about them connecting with their friends. Instead ofplaying outside in the neighbourhood together or connecting in the home atteenage years, because of the distance and where each teenager might live apartfrom their friends, they stay connected through cell phones, messaging andsocial media. So understand that get in their world and then focus on anagreement, a solution that's a win win.

And one of the bestways that you could do this would be through a family meeting, which we'regonna talk about in another lesson. But the family meeting is simple, that youhave an agenda item, and you focus on solutions for that agenda item. And theway that you'll know you have found the right solution is when it's related,reasonable, respectful, and helpful. And so again, it also has to be a win win,it can't be something that is, they win, you lose, because then that would notbe respectful or helpful.

Another thing youmight want to do is have a parking lot basket, like a cell phone parking lot,or cell phone garage, or whatever it may be, where you focus on solutions tohaving different times throughout the day where it's a screen free time. Duringthat time, no one's on their phone. You might also set limits at the dinnertable. “No more screens at the dinner table.” We want to sit and have aconversation, even if it's for ten or fifteen minutes, and you're teaching goodhabits and good skills for the long term. Again, this is something we don'twant to create this habit at a young age. Focusing on that with them, alsomodeling it and doing it with them will also feel make them feel connected andencouraged. And speaking of connection, it's also important tospend that special time with your child on that screen free time - that's fifteenminutes one on one where you are totally engaged in doing something in theirworld that they wanna do and building on that relationship.

So remember thatmodelling, special time, focusing on solutions, making agreements,understanding that cell phones are addicting, and it's it's hard for forparents to go without. And it's hard for your kids to go without. So when theydo validate their feelings, say, “I know it's really hard. And I love and careabout you so much that it's important to me to give you a healthy environmentand to support you through the discomfort. You're going to be angry, you'regoing to be upset. And that's okay. I'm upset when I don't have my phone. I'msometimes angry if I ever leave the house without it, and you will get through.I will get through it and I will be here to support you.” And getting theminvolved. That's really important, because if you come home with new rules forthem, if they even hear the word rules or contract, that is not going to feelgood. That's not gonna be respectful or helpful to them.

So focus on the solutions. Get them involved model and know that “weaningis never easy for the weanie or the weanor” - I hope that that translate,because it was a really helpful quote that I received from my mom back when Iwas weaning my child from nursing. It was just as hard on me as it was on him.And that might be the case with the cell phone use as well, because you'regonna have to practice what you would preach and make some changes as well. Ifyou want to see your kids make changes already.

So I always love talking with you and sharing tips andtools on my own experience. And again, this challenge is one that comes closeto home. I know my twelve year old really wants a phone, and I am not ready togo there yet, because I know that once I do, it's going to open up a lifetime ofcell phone use. He will never go without it. Again. This is the last fewmonths. If it was up to me a few years for him to be connected and engaged inpersonal relationships without all the distractions to have a cell phone. And I'm gonna hold onto andcherish that. I'm gonna also knowthat when it does come time for him to have one, I'm gonna have my ownexperience and the opportunities to practice what I preach and set the limitsand come up with agreements and focus on solutions and validate his feelings and model.

So thank you againfor tuning in. I always love to share with you my own personal experiences andtools that I hope you find helpful. During our next lesson, we are gonnatalking about anger. And what do you do when your child throws an anger fit? I'mexcited that my mom will be joining us on that lesson, so I hope you all enjoyit. And until then have a great day. Bye.