19. Why does my child refuse to do the things he can

Hello, I’m Lawrence Cohen. Welcome to my Ximilaya audio course, which will make you more relaxed in parenting. What can you do when your children refuse to do things for themselves that you know they can do?

A mother posed this question: “My son is able to dress himself, put on his shoes, and pour a glass of water, but he won’t do it. He asks me to do it for him. When something falls on the ground, though he is the nearest, he demands for me to pick it up. If I refuse, he cries and screams. Sometimes in order to avoid a fuss, I will do it. But I worry this will create a bad habit of laziness. What can I do to prevent this from happening?”

To address this, let me tell you about my granddaughter Amabel, who is two and a half years old. She has two favorite things to say. One is “I do it myself!” and the other is “Help me!” Sometimes she says both things in the same sentence. These short phrases capture two competing impulses inside every child, the impulse to strive for independence and self-sufficiency, and the impulse to be taken care of. Sometimes I call this little kid versus big kid, because part of the child still wants to be little, feeling the helping hands and loving security of the parents. Another part of the same child wants to be big—look what I can do all by myself!

Although these impulses compete with one another, they are both completely normal and natural. Most children struggle a bit to keep the two impulses in balance. Some children lean more to the “help me” side, others lean more to the side of “I can do it by myself.”

With children who always demand help and seem not to care about independence, parents often increase the pressure and demands, scolding and shaming children for failing to do things on their own. But it isn’t a failure. It just means they need more security and support before they can move on to independence. Children need parents to accept both the child’s impulses, the need for care as well as the drive for maturity.

There is a natural sequence of child development: at first we do everything for our children, then over time we help them do things, then we encourage them to do things on their own, then they do things alone. Development doesn’t have to be forced, and shouldn’t be rushed. Take walking as an example. First we carry children from place to place, then they crawl, then walk. But you don’t have to force children to crawl or walk, they have a strong internal motivation.

In the first year or two that children are learning to walk proficiently, they still like to be carried sometimes. That's completely normal, because child development is never a straight line. Children often master a skill, and then at times they need to step back and have us do it for them. It helps them feel safe as they develop their new accomplishments. So don’t be alarmed by what looks like a setback. Children take a step forward in independence, then a step backward to gain more security, then another big step forward.

If you are someone who expects children to do everything for themselves at the earliest possible moment, I urge you to relax and let them develop independence a bit more slowly. Let children ask for help once in a while, even after they have mastered a task. Your loving help lets them feel secure, which provides the foundation for later independence. Every explorer needs a safe home base to explore from. Just because a child can dress himself or pour himself a glass of water without spilling, doesn’t mean he is ready to do it every time yet.

Children need a little help from you to make the transition from “do it for me” to “I can do it myself.” When the imbalance of these two parts becomes extreme, as in the boy who refuses to do anything for himself, we can help restore that balance.

I have noticed that many parents in China expect their children to develop faster than is possible. Slow down a little, and make sure to spend time in the in-between stages of independence. In between you doing everything and the child doing everything, there are two important steps that shouldn’t be skipped. The first is doing things together, and the second is the child doing things with your encouragement. As we discussed about transitional objects in the last episode, sometimes children need a stepping-stone—it is too big a step to go from complete dependence to complete independence.

In the question that began this episode, the mother felt that she had to choose between two bad options: She can do something for her child that he can do himself, or she can leave him on the floor crying and screaming. Some parents add a third bad option: force the child to do it using coercion or threat. Playful Parenting provides a new option: find the balance between these extremes, the middle way. For example, the mom might sit with the child and say in a loving voice, “I know you can do it. I’m going to help you.” She helps with her support, encouragement and relaxed insistence that he do it—not by doing it for him. Or she might say, “let’s do it together,” or “I’ll do it this time, and later we will practice so you can do it on your own.”

As you encourage your child to be more self-sufficient, make sure to allow ample time for mastery. It takes repetition. Children learning to go up and down stairs will do it for hours, day after day, holding tightly to your hand at first, then loosely holding one finger, then on their own. Sometimes in one short period of playing together, you will see a child move from I can’t do it, to doing it with your help, to doing it with your encouragement, to the pleasure of doing it alone. Other times it can take months to make this shift. Relax and let development take its own time.

As always in Playful Parenting, there is an important role for play as children develop from dependence to independence, from baby to big kid. The Russian psychologist Vygotsky said, “Children are a head taller when they play.” That means play is the road to independence. Let children play with you doing all the activities you want them to learn, with no pressure, and you will see tremendous strides towards self-sufficiency. All you have to do is say, “let’s play getting dressed” or “let’s play breakfast,” or “Let’s play the pick up all the toys game.”

At certain periods in their development, children can feel hesitant to grow up. When my daughter started her last year of kindergarten, she suddenly said she couldn’t get dressed by herself, even though she had been dressing herself for years. I was confused and frustrated. I tried to convince her that she really could do it, but that didn’t work. To try to resolve the problem, we played a game where I held up a stuffed animal who said, “She can’t get dressed by herself! She’s only five years old!” Then I picked up another toy, and made that one say, “Oh yes she can, she is the amazing Emma!” She laughed and dressed herself.

The play and laughter restored her ability to keep moving towards independence. The play and laughter also helped me understand better what was happening, why she said she couldn’t dress herself when actually she could. I think Emma really meant that she was a bit afraid of the unknown future of being an elementary school pupil, the unknown future of growing up with all of it’s higher expectations and demands.

Once I understood this better, I could acknowledge her feelings. With my acceptance of her hesitation, she could shift to the other side, and activate her drive to grow up. She just needed some love, understanding, and play.

Some parents push too hard: “What is the matter with you? You aren’t a little baby anymore.” When we say this, the child often digs in and holds on to the baby side even longer. They are suffering from our lack of understanding that they need support and encouragement even as they become more and more grown up. If we accept that all children have a need to be secure and safe like a baby, as well as a need to mature, then we can promote healthy independence as well as a strong inner sense of security.  

A new baby in the family can trigger a child to refuse to do things they already know how to do, because they are jealous of the attention the baby receives for being cute and helpless. Older siblings feel the loss of being their mother and father’s special one. They are often rushed to grow up and be the responsible older sibling. Children will happily take on that role, as long as they first feel secure in your love. So give older siblings plenty of love and affection.

In fact, many children who resist doing things they are able to do benefit from playing baby. In this game, they simply pretend to be a baby while you rock them and sing to them. It works because the game fills the little baby need in them to feel more secure and safe. That allows the child to focus on the other side, the desire to grow up and be competent and independent. After a few minutes of this game, most children will say, “I’m big,” and then they will show you all the things they can do that a baby can’t do yet.

As your child increases in independence, make sure to provide increased emotional support, not just a cold voice and a hard shove. For example, pay attention to your tone of voice when you tell a child, “You can do it yourself.” Are you encouraging independence with a gentle loving push (“You can do it!), or is your tone scolding and harsh (“Do it yourself”)? If you are too harsh, your children will react with resentment and anger—“No, I can’t do it!” Unfortunately, that will probably make you respond even more harshly.  

In the question we started with today, the mom said she sometimes did things for her son just to avoid a fuss. That’s a problem. It’s OK sometimes to do things for children because we want them to feel loved and secure, and it’s OK sometimes to do things for them just because we are in a hurry. That’s fine. But don’t do it just because you are afraid of tears and tantrums. We covered this topic in detail in several earlier episodes. Even if you are very gentle, and say quietly, “I know you can do it, I’ll stay next to you and encourage you,” your child may still cry. That’s normal. Just hold your crying child and listen, and soon you will see them regain their desire to be big.

Some parents are reluctant for their babies to grow up, and some are too eager for that maturity to develop. Many parents have mixed feelings about this. I have seen parents who demand independence from their children, but at the same time, they constantly tell the child what to do, “Put on a coat, you must be cold; eat, you are hungry; stop eating, you have had enough; you don’t really want that toy or treat you asked for.” For our children to become independent competent adults, they must be given the chance to make their own choices about what they feel, what they want, and what their body is telling them.

That’s all for today. Please leave a message to me if you have any questions.I hope this episode has given you some new tools and insights to help the child who won’t do things for himself that you know he can do. I look forward to being with you next time.